Runners, we may look like a pretty straight-laced bunch but don’t be fooled by the outward appearances. Sure, we generally off up quick smiles, have a few odd quirks and harbor an affection miles and miles that can appear rather harmless. We travel in packs and groups, duos and trios, but even flying solo we are up to some mischief. Our offenses may seem rather benign to some but we can be rule breakers after all…you’ve been warned!
* School Dress Codes: Don’t even bother breaking out the ruler I KNOW my shorts are short but there is no sane runner donning shorts that are down past mid-thigh. Compared to the hazing by chafing that would case I’ll take all the detention in the world.
* Abusing Cardio Equipment Limits: I’m tempted to make the second shirt after my ‘Get Chicking’ one to read: “I am knowingly going to step on this treadmill and use it longer than the ‘Cardio Time Limit.’ It’s not that we are being selfish to not share our toys, but our long runs just trump your 15 minute walk, I’m sorry. Just not sorry enough to get off of the treadmill until I’ve filled my mileage quota for the day.
* No Loitering: You finish a run and if you’re being a good little runner you know you should move into some stretches, strength and core work, or even some plyometrics. If you spy an open stretch of lawn, a parking lot, or a playground who is it really going to be hurting if we loiter around doing our funny jumps, squats, lunges, and hip circles?
* No Eating Past 4pm: PAH-LEEZZZ! Without going off on a wild carb-loving rant here, to anyone who ‘closes their kitchen’ past a certain hour because they think somehow eating past a certain hour on the clock instantly makes you fat…consider this: What also stops you from putting on weight is running. I will bust out the hash-tags in an effort to sum it up succinctly: #runhardeathard #runmore
* Arrested for Track Work: This one has actually happened and it almost happened to me…apparently some people feel that using the track should only be done at certain hours, who know? I can certainly see how a group of drug pushers huddled by the pole vault pit could be a threat to the school, but a band of sweaty runners turning left?
* Don’t Fertilize the Grass: For lack of a better term here, I think you catch my drift. Anyone who’s experienced the booty clench shuffle can attest to needing to use the wide abundance of nature at some point. The truth is GI issues are a common runner malady and sometimes we can’t always plan for those pit-stops.
* Speed Limits: I think all runners can agree that deep down in our hearts if we were to pass a speed limit sign that we were actually breaking, rather than slow down we’d break out in a smile and throw in a surge for good measure! Because of this I’d like to introduce the ’5 mph’, ’7.5 mph’, and ’10 mph’ speed limit signs and get them more widely circulated. Think of any tickets you rack up not as punishments but rather badges of honor for a great run. Should we start a contest to see who can get the most?
* Injured Beasts May Attack: Oh, the plight of the injured runners. I think we should wear warnings around our neck and tell people that we are not fully in control of some of our actions. When provoked we may bite or worse…it’s also happened in some cases that we just fly off the handle for no reason at all. Keep a 5 foot perimeter just to be safe.
Like I said, us runners can be a shifty crowd. We play by our own rules at times, and may be guilty of a random ‘normal people’ crime here or there. But really, who wants to be a normal person when you can be a runner?
1) What are some other ‘runner crimes’ that you may be guilty of?
2) Cardio limits at the gym, do they seem to be pretty strictly enforced at the one you use if you go to one? Have you been kicked off mid-run?
3) Post-run do you usually try to get in some stretching, core, weight, strength, plyo, etc. work?
4) Have you ever passed one of those speed clockers on the street and been able to get a reading? I’ve been told that if you’ve got enough metal on you that you can get a reading…what’s the fastest reading anyone’s ever been able to get?
5) What is your opinion on local tracks and their availability to the public?